Chapter 2.16 ~ Healing

 

 Time heals all wounds. It’s an age old saying, which until recently, I would have readily agreed with. Now, however, I knew differently. It didn’t matter that years had passed since Picton had left us, and it didn’t matter that life had still gone on even though he wasn’t here with it, waking up next to an empty bed every morning made my heart shatter anew, and the pain all the more real than it had been in my recent nightmares. Slowly, though, I managed to coat my heart in an armor of sorts, a barrier. I felt the pain, oh trust me, I felt the pain, but I managed to block the worst of it out, and save it away for when I could afford to feel it, when I was a bit more prepared. Those times were normally on Tuesdays, in the early evenings, when I went to visit Picton at his favourite time of the week, to catch up on each other’s lives, and just talk like we used to.

 

“Hey there, hubby. What’s new?” I asked quietly, lowering myself to the soft ground by his grave, leaning up against it like I had done once a week for three years now. “I have great news for you. Astral and Zuli both passed their drivers tests. They took them together, you know. Same day,  and everything. Astral waited for her. He has such amazing patience, I think he learned that from you.” I closed my eyes, and imagined what he’d have said to me, to them. Told them how proud he was. “I’m sure they know how proud you are, I sure told them enough. Can you imagine it, those little things, one of which you helped get into this world, driving around on their own.” I took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m not all happy though, Picton. I think you’d understand, that you do understand, that driving means leaving. I know now why my Mom didn’t buy us a car, or drive one herself, because it is so damn easy to just hop in and drive away from your old life. Exactly like I did. I don’t know how I’d cope, if they left me, Picton. Losing you nearly broke me, and they’re all I have left. Without them, I have nothing. ”

I closed my eyes slowly, breathing in the scent of the newly blossomed trees, and listened to the gentle hum of life, far away from this place of death. I pushed through all the darkness that had clouded my brain, shoved it to the side, and took a moment to remember what it felt like, to be in Picton’s warm arms, and have his hot breath on my neck, whispering words of comfort, or ways to make the truth a bit more bearable.

“Somehow though, I don’t think they will. Leave, I mean. Not just yet. I think, now you’re going to hate me for saying this, but I think Picton that some good did come from you dying. Just a tiny ray of light in all this darkness, just a tiny little bit of happy in the sad. I think you going, made the rest of us closer. If there was ever a gap between Calypso’s kids and yours, then it’s gone now. It had to go, because we grieved together, all with the same pain and loss, and it made us all one big family, not two smaller ones. Even my parents have decided that Sugar Valley doesn’t hold enough for them anymore, and are moving down to live with us. I’m happy, and what surprised me more was that Mom was happy in doing so.” I opened my eyes for a second, looking around the empty graveyard, making sure no one was around to hear me talk to my dead husband. No, you only let that happen once. I soon realized I was safe in solitude, and resumed our chat.

 

“I wish you could meet them now, Picton, the kids. Each of them, they’re like different people. They didn’t hide away, like I did. They stayed strong. Oh that’s the perfect word, my love, strong. That’s what they are now. The two oldest, Astral and Zuli, well they could run the place now. They cook, clean, drive, and care for the little ones. They don’t even need me there. They miss you, but they hide it well. Astral’s especially good at putting up a strong front, and I think that maybe, he got that bit from me. Whenever anyone else is around, he plays his part as the man of the house, brave and tall, taking charge and being all he can be, but that’s only when other people are around. When he’s alone, Picton, he goes to where you used to work. He sits by the easels, and touches that paint kit you got him when he was just little, remember? Sometimes I think he wants to try, pick up the brush, and spread the colors like you taught him, but instead he stands there and cries. I think it hurts him more than it helps him, holding it back. Painting was his tie to you, and I don’t think he knows whether he should give in and let you back into his life in some way, or stay away, ans try and fix the sadness with the whole ‘out of sight, out of mind’ kind of thing. I want to talk to him, but I’d cry, and then we’d get no where. Maybe you could talk to him? Give him that little push forward? That’d help.”

 

“Then there’s Zuli, and Picton, she’s so much like you it scares me sometimes. She can find beauty in anything, just like you can, especially if it’s something to do with nature. I think that one day, she might write books or something, because she can make a leaf sound like a fairy the way she describes it. Saying that, she’s not coping too well. She cries a lot, and not just at home. She can’t help it at school sometimes, because she sees you in everything she does, like I do. She’s never come home because of it, but I can see it in her eyes when she’s been crying. She doesn’t have that iron wall that Astral has, hers is thin, and broken so, so easily.”

 

“Of course, you’ll want to know about the little ones too. They’re perfect, Picton, so perfect. A mix of two of us, and I have three little pieces of you here with me everyday. It hurts me, though, that they can’t remember what you looked like sometimes, when it’s only been so short of a time. I know they were little, but somehow it feels unfair that someone so important in this world could skip their minds so easily. They miss you, and they mourn, but it cant come close to the grief the other kids or I have, because they just can’t remember a bond made so young. We have that picture of you though, and sometimes we sit and look at it, and talk about what we remember about you, and they ask questions, and I answer them best I can. They know you painted, and that you had a beautiful soul. They know that you could wrap anyone around your little finger, and there was nothing more you loved than your family, including them. They know who there Daddy is Picton, because I could never live without them knowing someone as special as you.”

 

“Then, I guess there’s just little old me. And I am getting old now Picton, wrinkles around the mouth, and on the forehead. I guess I should be sad, but I know it only means I’m getting a little closer to being with you again, so I’m almost glad. The pain gets really bad sometimes, love. Sometimes, I try to remember life before I met you, try to go back to the frame of mind I had then, where work ruled my life, but I can’t. You changed who I was, and that silly, stupid girl who married the first man who spoke to her has gone, thank Berry. Instead, we have this, a broken woman with nowhere to turn. I’m better though, now. Seeing the kids move on a bit, and laugh once in a while really makes it better. Each time they laugh, I feel a bit more whole, a bit like the woman you married, and it feels great, not to hurt.”

 

“And then there’s the new life in the family, new blood. Both Lavender, Blueberry, and Seance’s wife Cornflower had babies Picton, you’re an Uncle three times over again. Lavender had a little boy named Seafoam, and he looks a lot like Nepal.  Blueberry’s boy was called Resolution, which I think it kind of a mouthful, but he’s such a darling you barely notice. Besides, he’s already been nicknamed Rezzie, so that’s all okay. And then there’s Seance’s baby, River. Can you believe it? That’s your middle name. I think they did that for us.”

I took a deep breath of spring air, and glanced to the sky, and noticed that it was getting late now.

“I suppose I better head home, to put some little muffin-tots to bed now, my love. I’ll see you again, same time next week, okay? I love you my darling, and please don’t forget what I said about Astral. He’s taking it hard, and needs that helping hand, okay? Bye, my love.” I finished, standing up slowly, and placing the fresh bouquet on the now grassy land at the base of my husbands gave, and kissed my fingertips, laying them on top of the cold stone, before turning around and leaving for my car.

Upon my arrival home, I could smell the strong aroma of spaghetti sauce in the air, Zuli’s work for sure. I saw no one at the table, nor any dishes, so I could only imagine that they had eaten a while ago, which was good. They knew know that time always got away from me when I was with Picton.

“Hello?” I called out, locking the door behind me.

 

“Shh, Ma! Zuli’s finally able to get them to bed, the rotten things. Don’ wake them please.” A voice loud-whispered back to me. I knew it was Astral, but I just couldn’t place where he was. I wandered through to the kitchen, hoping to find him there, but saw no one.

“Over here, Mom.” He beckoned, and I turned around, now realizing that the sound came from the other side of the house. I walked through the dining room, and peered through the archway to the work room, holding back the gasp of shock.

 

“Do you like it?” He asked, smiling back at me shyly.

“Baby, I love it.” I replied, eyes welling up with tears, but for the first time in three years, I smiled.