Chapter 3.12 ~ Regrets

“Let me give my love to you.
Let me take your hand.
And as we walk in the dimming light
Oh darling understand
That everything ends…” 
― Death Cab for Cutie

Regret. To feel sorrow for an action you made. I did regret what happened at that party, but at the same time I didn’t. Would it be better to be pining over Lolli, broken like Pickle, or alone and in pain, as I was now? Neither option sounded very pleasant, or desirable, but a little part of me was glad that I’d tried.

Saying that, a large part of me wished I hadn’t. I wanted to hold Lolli’s form in my arms again, laugh with her, smell her perfume, hold her books, lay on her bed, and sing with her. I wanted her back. But it had been a month, and I’d had no sign of her.

“Lolli. It’s Zuli. I know you’re mad, but we need to talk. Please call me back.”

“Lolli, are you there? I need to straighten this out. Call me.”

“Lolli, I know you’re home. Please stop avoiding me. All I need is a text, or something.”

“Lolli. It was my fault, I’m sorry. Please answer.”

I’d tried, time and time again. Each message a bit more desperate, a bit more pleading, and a lot less dignified. But what was dignity when something so precious was on the line? I’d had no contact with the outside world in so long, this was not how I’d imagined my first month out of school. I’d pictured happy times on the beach with Lolli or my siblings, but instead I sat alone.

My family had tried to get in to me, to break the wall I’d put up, but they didn’t matter. I couldn’t find it in me to make them matter. I couldn’t force a smile, or pretend to be okay for them. I sat in my room and shut myself up. Reliving the memory.

The softness of her lips, the scent of her hair. And then things that I hadn’t even noticed in the moment, how she’d frozen up, all her body tense at my touch. Her silence, that I’d read only as compliance was in fact shock, and fear. I’d gotten it very wrong, even though my intentions were right.

It was 34 days after the party when it happened. I was home alone, the sun had just fallen and the stars had come out, and my family having long given up on getting me to go out with them, had gone out on their own business. It was these rare times that I ventured from my room, to brush my teeth, shower, and eat. I was doing just that, when I heard a knock on the door.

“Mother fudgin-” I breathed under my breath, as I stood up and made my way to the door. I flung it open, and nearly fainted, as before me stood Lolli.

She wasn’t how I remembered her, changed so much after only a month apart. Her long, flowing hair was pinned out of her face, something she’d never liked before. Her normally comfy, easy breezy clothes were replaced with mundane items that I’d never seen in her closet before. This girl  was so unlike Lolli that  had I not known her better inside than she did herself – I could have been fooled into thinking this was another person. Her usually smiling face was drawn tight, lips a line on her face, eyes hard as stone. It was Lolli, but it wasn’t Lolli.

“Lolli.” I gasped, and she nodded as if to confirm that’s who she was.

“I’m actually going by Orchid now, Zuli. Can I come in?” she responded, and I froze. Who was this girl, so cold and stiff? Surely not my Lolli.

I moved so she could come in, let her into my entry way that was (thankfully) clear from clutter and mess for once, and waited for her to speak. Or maybe I should start?

“Lo- Orchid. I’m so sorry. I was drunk, and-” I began, not knowing what to say. How could I truly apologize for something I wasn’t sorry for? For, I wasn’t really sorry for kissing her, rather the repercussions of doing so.

“I’m not here to talk about that, Zuli.” she cut me off. “I’m here to say good bye.”

I stiffened. No. Of all the things I thought she’d do, cry, yell, throw punches, I’d never imagined she’d leave me.

“I-”

“I’m going away to university, Zuli. I’ve decided to switch that scholarship from ZU to a better school in Briocheport. I can get my degree there, and there’s more job opportunities there.” she replied, and I though, just maybe, I heard her voice waver. Lolli, my Lolli, wouldn’t want this, wouldn’t do this. I’d made her this way.

“But, you love Zephyr Hills. You always said that nothing could pry you away from here, Lolli, I don’t understand.”

“Orchid.” she corrected me, then sighed. “I changed. Things changed. I’m leaving today to get settled, I just thought you’d like to know. I’m leaving now.”

“No, Orchid, you can’t.” I cried, reaching for her.

“I can.” she replied, fiercely. “and I will. Have a good life, Lapis. It was nice knowing you.”

She then jerked away from me, flung the door open, and stormed out. I watched her go, hopping into her car, and speeding away. Away from me, from her life, from what we’d had, and from what I’d done. I slipped down to my knees, body having lost the capability to care. I don’t know how long I was there, like ice in the doorway, bare skin freezing despite the summer air, filled with despair. She was really gone, and from the sounds of it, was gone forever.

I didn’t know where to go from here, what to do. So I left. I locked the door behind me, and got in the car. One thing merged into another, and I found myself at a bar. I remembered the lovely numb that the drinks had brought me last time, and I wanted that. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, didn’t want to love. I wanted to feel nothing.

I walked in to the door, and every eye turned to me. I guess I looked a bit out of sorts here, a young girl in old, ratty clothes, but I didn’t care.

A barked order and an ID later, I had a drink in my hand. A few hours more, and I was further gone than I’d ever been in my life, but my chest didn’t hurt any less. But by that point, there was no going back.